The loss of a pet is often a child’s first experience with death and because it is painful, parents often wish to protect them from it.  Not talking about it, however, can make the grief process even more difficult.  Parents need support and reassurance that a decision to include children in the end of life process of a beloved pet can be a rewarding and positive experience.

Explaining death
When speaking with children about the death it is extremely helpful to use clear, concrete and simple language.  Avoid using euphemisms like “put down” or “put to sleep” which can leave children with confusion around what it means to rest or sleep.

Children understand when something is wrong even if it is unspoken.  Often a pet is ill for some time before their eventual death, which is a good time to begin the discussion of what is happening to the pet’s body.  This may also be a good time to find a children’s book about pet loss as a way of beginning that conversation.  An extensive bibliography listing several good choices is available at this link.

Once the conversation begins children will have questions.  It is important to answer all the questions that come up as honestly and plainly as you can, even if they are silly, difficult or complicated.  This is also a good time to find a children’s book that can answer some of the specific questions they have about death.  It is also important to be honest when there are things you do not know or cannot be answered.  Death can be a mysterious process for adults and children alike.

Decisions
If you are preparing for a euthanasia appointment it is important to explain the process and then give your child options for how they would like to be involved.  They might decide they would like to be present during the appointment or maybe they would like to be in an adjacent room with a supportive adult and then visit with their pet’s remains after the appointment.  On the other hand, they might only wish to be involved in the memorialization or burial of their pet.

Support your child in a non-judgmental way as they experience their grief.  Ask them about how they are feeling and ask them if they would like to talk about that—actively listen to what they express and mirror back to them what you hear them say using their own words.

Grief process
It is often helpful to children to process their grief in non-verbal ways.  Providing some art materials can be very effective – you may help them identify something important they are expressing and ask them if they would like to make a picture of it.  Creating a scrapbook can also be a helpful project.

Memorialization is another task that could have non-verbal or physical components.  Offer to let them participate in the decision-making process.  Where will Bailey be buried?  What will we do with her ashes? 

There is no defined length of time a grieving process will take.  Children may recall happy and sad memories of their pet well after their pet has died—allow the space necessary for them to express any and all of those memories in an ongoing way.

Taking breaks
Grief can be a strenuous endeavor.  It impacts mind, body, and spirit.  There will be ups and downs related to the exertion of grieving, coupled with a need for distraction.  It is helpful to the grieving process to take breaks, particularly if they involve something fun and especially if they include laughter.

More information
If you have additional questions or concerns about your unique situation, feel free to speak with us.  We have licensed counselors on staff daily, available at 612-354-8500 Mon-Fri, 8:00 AM-6:00 PM and Sat/Sun 8:00 AM-4:00 PM.   There is also an excellent article available on this topic at a favorite website of ours, veterinarywisdom.com.

Click here for a FREE printable version of this article:  Children and Pet Loss

Do pets grieve the loss of their animal friends?

Owners of multiple pets know that these furry “siblings” share a special bond with one another. They romp around the backyard and snuggle up together on the couch, but do they grieve for another? It’s an important question when you are considering how the death of a beloved pet will impact your family and how best to support not only your human, but your animal family members.

We recently spoke with a client whose family had two dogs.  Sadly, when one of their beloved dogs had to be euthanized in a clinic, the other dog seemed to experience a profound grief.  In fact, this client reported that her dog was forever altered from the experience of losing her friend and simply was different from that point on.  The two dogs had their toys in a basket and part of their “after work” routine was to go outside, have supper, and play with their toys together.  “She didn’t play with her toys for two years after the death of (her friend),” her person reported.  Now her friends’ ashes are buried in the yard, and when she is out there, she lays on his gravesite.  When it came time to euthanize another one of her dogs, this client decided on in-home euthanasia because she felt that it was important for her dogs to know, firsthand, what had happened to their beloved friend.

Although animal emotions are challenging to study, some evidence shows that humans aren’t the only creatures to grieve the passing of a loved one. Mark Bekoff, former professor of ecology and evolutionary biology at the University of Colorado, Boulder and author of The Emotional Lives of Animals, cites examples of animals displaying grief in the wild while mourning lost companions. He explains that, “categorically denying emotions to animals because they cannot be studied directly does not constitute a reasonable argument against their existence…current interdisciplinary research provides compelling evidence that many animals experience such emotions as joy, fear, love, despair, and grief – we are not alone.”

Some animal behaviorists report working with pets in their practices whose animal companions have died and whom appear to be grieving that loss.  Those pets sometimes manifest their grief in the following ways:  decreased appetite, changes in activity (increase or decrease), increased soliciting of attention from their family, separation anxiety, increased vocalization, and increased sensitivity to noises.

One of the positive aspects about having a pet euthanized at home is that their animal friends can be with them.  Sometimes, when a pet is euthanized in a clinic setting, it can be confusing for their animal family members, who may not understand what has happened to their loved one.  Your pets have their own individual personalities and sensitivities, and you know them better than anyone else – it is up to you to determine how much to include your furry family members in a euthanasia appointment.  Sometimes it is helpful to animal companions to have a moment to visit with their friends’ body – they have their own way of sensing what has happened to their friend and their own way of saying goodbye. The grieving process is very personal, and each pet may grieve the loss of their companion differently, just like each person grieves differently. It’s ok for your pet to act differently for a while after the loss of their companion. Keeping to normal routines, such as walks, playtime, and meal times, is a good way of supporting grieving pets. Some pets may also appreciate extra cuddles and one-on-one time after a loss…and you may appreciate that too as you support one another through the grieving process.

For further reading:

Mark Bekoff writes a blog for psychology today called “grief in animals”: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/animal-emotions/200910/grief-in-animals-its-arrogant-think-were-the-only-animals-who-mourn?page=2