A Letter for Your Child’s Teacher About Pet Loss

Posted on November 18, 2015 by Rebecca McComas, DVM

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Losing a pet can be a very difficult experience for children, depending on the circumstances of the loss.  If your family has recently lost a pet, it may be beneficial to let others know that your child has lost their furry friend.  Your child’s teachers, coaches, and school counselor all spend time with your child and would likely appreciate a heads-up about what your child is going through.  They may have experience working with children who have undergone a loss and have some good suggestions for things you can do at home, as well as things that can be done in the classroom to help process the loss.

If you would like more information about grief and pet loss related to children, be sure to read this article written by our counselor, Children and Pet Loss.

We’ve put together this letter which you can share with other adults who spend time with your child.  Use the letter as is or as a starting point to write your own.  Simply copy and paste into Word and print or email to your child’s teacher.

 

Dear <teacher>,

Recently our family had to say goodbye to our beloved dog/cat, ________.  My child _____ has understandably been upset about losing a good friend.  I would appreciate knowing if you see anything at school that is cause for concern.  The veterinary social worker suggests watching for signs of sadness, withdrawal, aggression, anxiety, or personality changes.  Please let me know right away if you see my child displaying anything out of the ordinary in the coming days and weeks.

I would also appreciate hearing from you if you have any suggestions of helpful activities we can do at home.  I welcome you to do a related classroom activity if you think it would be helpful for my child or others in the class to learn about what it means to process a loss.  A great resource is the book The Dragonfly Door by Minnesota author John Adams, which is a beautiful, gentle allegory about death and working through a loss.  It contains lesson plans appropriate for the classroom.

Thank you for your help and understanding at this difficult time.

Sincerely,

<your name>

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‘Quality of Life’ Photo Journal for Your Aging Pet

Posted on October 26, 2015 by Rebecca McComas, DVM

As a veterinarian who works with pet owners making end of life decisions for their beloved pet, I am often witness to how difficult those decisions can be.

I remember a visit I made to a home a few years ago where the family consisted of mom, grandma and daughter Christine*.  Christine was in her early 20s and no longer lived at home.  Bailey was their 15 year old springer spaniel, who was experiencing severe neurologic symptoms — which had worsened over several months and their regular veterinarian had been unable to alleviate.  Bailey was no longer able to move around the way she wished and was severely anxious (and likely painful) as a result.

Mom and grandma had come to a clear decision that it was time to let Bailey go and ease her discomfort and anxiety with a euthanasia appointment in their home.  I readily agreed after seeing how much Bailey was struggling to find a comfortable position to lay down and her inability to move freely in her space.  There was no real hope for improvement at her age due to the list of possible causes being very grim.

Christine, however, was really struggling.  Bailey was “her dog” and had been with her throughout most of her childhood.  She had been away at college for the last several months when Bailey had experienced her most significant decline.  She hadn’t had the chance to observe the daily struggles that mom and grandma had seen worsening over time.  And as is so often the case with young adults, she had the unending hope that her beloved friend would soon bounce back to her normal self.

With euthanasia decisions in general, I take the point of view that the decision belongs to the family.  I listen to their story and help to support whatever decision they make.  On this day I clearly emphasized how Bailey wasn’t going to improve and euthanasia was by far the kindest choice available to help relieve her real suffering.

In spite of that discussion we were at a stalemate.  Christine wasn’t ready to make that choice.  She was sobbing on the floor with Bailey in her arms and was experiencing a profound struggle to make the choice that felt right.  Mom and grandma gave me a pleading look which seemed to say, “Please help us to make her understand it’s time to let go now.  We don’t want our girl to suffer.”

I was at a loss as to how to help further.  My words hadn’t had the impact they needed.

Then an idea sprung into my mind.  On the dining room table I noticed a collection of pictures they had recently gathered of times Bailey had shared with the family.  Fifteen long years of vacations, walks, birthdays, holidays and other moments.  I walked over and picked up a picture of Bailey in her younger days on the dock with someone who I thought might be Christine.  I brought it over and asked her to tell me about what she remembered from that day.

Quality of Life Photo Journal - Springer SpanielChristine looked up and immediately her expression softened. She told me about how they had taken vacations up to the lake together and how much they had enjoyed throwing balls off the dock for Bailey to chase into the water.  She reflected on how different things had been over the last several years. Bailey didn’t have the energy to join them anymore and they hadn’t gone on any trips together for a long time.

As Christine looked at the pictures and looked down at Bailey, it was clear how different Bailey seemed to her now than how she was in the picture.  She began to speak about how she didn’t want Bailey to have to live like this and how hard it felt, but how necessary it seemed, to ease her suffering today in the company of her most special people in the world.

Pet Quality of Life Photo JournalWhen a pet owner or family is struggling with a decision about euthanasia, we often recommend filling out a daily or weekly Quality of Life journal to gain a more clear understanding of how their pet’s condition is changing over time.  I would suggest that putting together a Quality of Life photo journal would be equally as helpful.  It’s illustrative to select pictures from many years ago as well as those taken more recently.  If you need to, consider taking pictures weekly or even daily.  Much like Christine, distant family members can have a difficult time appreciating the severity of recent changes in the pet’s condition.  They may benefit greatly from the story pictures can tell.

I don’t know from where the inspiration came for me that day, but it was a gift that helped us break through the barrier and I’ll be forever grateful.  You can make use of this tool as well.  Sometimes pictures tell more than words ever can.

*Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.

 

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Making a Memory Box

Posted on October 19, 2015 by MN Pets

MN Pets memory boxTo say that Daisy and I were close is a bit of an understatement. Although my first word was “Mom,” my second was “Daisy,” and my first sentence was “Where did Daisy go?” She was my constant, patient companion as I grew old enough to chase her around the yard and pull her ears. Looking back at family photos, I’m always shocked to realize she was only a 20 pound, fluffy Cockapoo. To me, Daisy was huge, big enough protect me from the monsters under the bed and the scary clowns in the closet.

I was four years old when Daisy developed chronic heart failure and my parents made the decision to euthanize her. At the time, I didn’t understand what was going on; all I knew was Daisy went to the vet and hadn’t returned. I had never experienced grief or loss. I didn’t know how to say goodbye to my friend. For several days, I wandered the house in a confused fog, retreating quietly into my own world. Then one day, my mom came home with an empty wooden box, and together, we made a memory box for Daisy.

First, I painted the box with pictures: Daisy with our family, Daisy playing fetch, Daisy with her favorite stuffed animal. Mom and I went through our pictures of Daisy and wrote down our favorite Daisy stories. Some stories made us laugh, but then Mom started to cry, which I had never seen before. At first I was surprised, but I quickly realized that she was grieving too. Seeing her express her emotions gave me permission to do the same. We chose our favorite photos and placed them in our memory box, along with the stories we had written, Daisy’s collar, and a few of her toys. Putting these objects in the box helped me understand that Daisy wasn’t going to come back, but that she would always be with me in the memories my box held.

Following the death of a pet, children’s grief may manifest in a number of ways. A child may become withdrawn and quiet, the way I did following Daisy’s death. Alternatively, he or she may become over attentive, clingy, or act out more often than usual. Some children manifest grief as physical symptoms and change their eating or sleeping patterns. There is no wrong way to grieve, but children often don’t know how to work through or express their grief. I believe that art and creative writing are valuable tools to help children process the loss of a pet and can help parents open a discussion with their child about death. Drawing pictures of the pet, writing down the pet’s life story, or creating a poem about a favorite experience are all good ways to explore memories. When my young cousin recently lost a pet, he wrote a heartfelt letter to his dog, saying goodbye and describing the things he would miss most about her. Children may also feel fear and anxiety following the death of a pet, and having them draw or write about their fears may be a good way to open a discussion. An alternative to a memory box may be to plant a tree or flower in your yard where the child can go to remember your pet. Often the loss of a pet is a child’s first encounter with death, and it can be a painful experience. Allowing children to grieve in their own way and helping them express their emotions can help during this difficult time.

This article was written by Katie Anderson, Client Support Specialist at MN Pets

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Grief Role-Modeling

Posted on October 14, 2015 by Kristi Lehman, MSW, LISW

For kids of all ages, losing a pet can be a confusing, heartbreaking and scary experience. For many kids, it might even be the first time they have had to grapple with death and grief. But, along with all of the pain, sadness, and unknowns, pet loss is something else for kids and parents, too: an opportunity.

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As a parent, you know that you can’t always shield your children from the pain that exists in the world, nor should you want to. Heartache teaches us difficult and important lessons about life, love, gratitude and resilience. How we grieve as adults grows from our early experiences with loss, and family reactions and values surrounding death stay with us. When your family loses a beloved companion animal, it is so important to model healthy, effective communication and coping skills for the children in your life. This is no small feat because it requires you to face your own loss and coping strategies head on. It is especially difficult to help guide your child through grief while you yourself are dealing with the loss in your own way. Here’s where you can start:

Keep communication open. Grieve openly, and encourage your children to ask questions and then answer them honestly. Ask them, “What do you wonder about?” If they ask you an unanswerable question, it’s okay to say “I don’t know. I wonder about that, too”. An important part of grieving is coming to terms with unanswerable questions, and it is okay to come to terms with them together.

It’s okay to cry. No matter your age or gender, it is always okay to cry. Crying is an important part of mourning, and it can give you some emotional relief. And, sometimes you just can’t help it. Allowing your children to see you cry shows them that it’s okay to be sad and it’s okay if you can’t always be strong. In fact, sometimes crying can be a brave thing to do.

Respect their unique process. Every child is different in their mourning, and every child’s relationship with their pet is unique. Remind yourself that they are feeling just the way they need to, and meet them where they are. Some kids are inconsolable for days or weeks after their loss, and other kids are back to happily playing with their toys within a few hours. Both reactions can be difficult for parents to see, but it’s important to remember that there are many shades of normal.

Remember together. Ask your kids about their memories and encourage them to express them creatively. Maybe they want to make a scrapbook of their pet, or write them a letter, or plant them a tree. There are many ways to memorialize a pet, and sharing them together shows children that their pet will never be forgotten and encourages them to continue their bond with them. Children especially need outlets for non-verbal expressions of their grief. Creative activities, projects and outings are essential.

Give them the words. If you feel happy, angry, sad, tired, or any other emotion, tell them. Grieving makes us feel a lot of different feelings, and learning the right vocabulary to talk about those feelings is crucial for kids. There is more than just happy and sad, and you can even feel many ways at once. Very young children might benefit from using an emotion chart so they can point to pictures of faces, which you can find here.

Ask for help. If you are having difficulty coping with your grief, reach out for support. Not only is it important to take care of yourself in order to care for your family, but it is important to show your children that it’s okay if you feel like you want some help sometimes. If you just need a break, find a loved one to help with your kids and household. If you feel stuck with supporting your kids in their grief, try to utilize the help that exists, such as a support group, the counselor or social worker at your child’s school, or online education for ideas.

Take care of yourself. Grieving is such hard work, and simultaneously taking care of other people while you are grieving can feel next to impossible. When you are a parent, it is even more important to practice self-care so that you can effectively support your kids, too. Be kind to yourself and give yourself a break. No one is perfect and it’s okay if you stumble along the way. The fact that you care and are trying is what matters for your kids.

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Healthy coping strategies aren’t innate, they are learned from those around us. Children are much more perceptive than we give them credit for, and when they have lost their pet, they look to the adults in their lives for cues on how to face the loss. Try to use this opportunity to model healthy coping skills rather than avoidance, and encourage them to feel, talk, express, and remember.

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Growing Up With Pet Loss: by Mandi Beckmann

Posted on October 6, 2015 by MN Pets

rat and personWhen I was in first grade, I had to say goodbye to my very first pet. Pinky was a tiny white rat and I loved her with every ounce of my 7-year-old heart.  I still clearly remember the day at school when my mom came to my classroom, led me out into the hallway and gently told me how Pinky had passed away. I don’t remember her exact words, or how I reacted in that moment, but she tells me how worried she was because I seemed to shut down rather than grieve “normally.”  It’s not that I didn’t care, but there wasn’t the outward reaction she was expecting. It wasn’t until a few weeks later that I came to my parents crying because I missed Pinky. At that time, I was a child; I didn’t intuitively feel like there was anything wrong with the way I was processing the loss of my friend, because no one had told me that there was a right or wrong way to feel. But I realize now how it must have been uncomfortable for my parents to experience with me, seeing me only slightly upset and then suddenly being faced with an outpouring of grief weeks later. And to this day, I am so thankful that they allowed me time to grieve the way I needed to, without dictating how I should be feeling or reacting; that experience laid the foundation for my understanding of the way I grieve now. I have loved and lost many friends since then, and each experience is just as heartbreaking as the next, in its own way. But learning that there is no right way to grieve at such an early age is a lesson that stayed with me into my adult life, and has shaped my views as I begin my career in veterinary medicine.

Fast-forward 14 years later and as a veterinary student, I was surprised at my classmates’ responses when I told them that I would be starting a job at an in-home end-of-life care practice as a Client Support Specialist. They asked me why I would want a job that is so sad all the time, whether I would cry on the phone with clients, and why wouldn’t I rather do something else with my summer. I wasn’t sure how to respond to them, but after being a part of the MN Pets team for a summer, I would share with them the discussion that I had with one of our veterinarians during one of my ride-along experiences. We were talking about the emotional differences in being the pet owner at a euthanasia appointment versus being the veterinarian, aside from the obvious sense of personal loss. She described to me this sense of peace that she finds with her work because she knows in her heart she is relieving suffering. At MN Pets we often say that in-home euthanasia can be one of the kindest gifts you can give your pet, but I also truly believe it is a gift to yourself and your loved ones. Being in your own home removes the elements of shame or guilt or judgment, freeing each family member to express their grief in whatever way feels most natural. Minimizing that guilt we feel as pet owners helps us come closer to that sense of peace and relief that our animal is no longer suffering, and puts us on the road to healing.

In our culture, pet ownership is an almost universal experience. But we rarely stop to acknowledge that because of this fact, pet loss and the grief that follows is also universal. Recognizing this helps debunk the outdated stigma that it’s “just a pet” and helps us move toward a future where losing a friend is recognized as just that. It also encourages empathy for all different ways of grieving. My early experience was an invaluable chance for understanding, thanks to my parents’ patience, and I think that the story of my very first grief journey can actually be a comforting one, encouraging parents who are facing pet loss with their children: learning to grieve your own way is healthy. There is no one way to grieve, even for each individual. Young children can and do understand their grief experience as long as you let them and support them in their journey. And most importantly, grieving together may help you heal as much as it helps your child.

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Sorting Through the Memories

Posted on September 23, 2015 by Rebecca McComas, DVM

One of the best things about being a veterinarian who works with pets at the end of life is that I get to be with pet owners at that important time as well. I went to school for a lot of years to learn what I supposedly needed to know to be a vet, but end-of-life issues were a very small part of my education. I have learned more, by far, from the pet owners that I have come to know over the years. I have been able to come to a deeper understanding of what is important to people, how they work through their time of loss and how to gracefully accept something that is so difficult to accept.

If you’ve recently lost a beloved animal companion, it may be for you some of the most awful feelings you’ve ever experienced. Feelings may shift from day to day, at times feeling like despair, deep loneliness, emptiness, heartache, or guilt. It’s normal to feel this way, especially at first. It’s also healthy to find ways to help yourself out of the depths of these feelings and begin to heal from your loss. To me, healing means leaving some of those worst feelings behind and helping yourself to feel better, while still preserving the thoughts and memories of your companion.

Many people we’ve helped have shared their experience with us. I’ve heard about their healing journey and took inspiration from them. I’d like to share one of these ideas with you.

Clients often come by our office to pick up their pet’s ashes after cremation. Sometimes I get to spend a few minutes with them. Lately I had a conversation with someone who had recently lost her cat. Like many of us she was deeply mourning that loss and was working hard to find a way to feel a little better. She showed me a lovely book she’d created online (Shutterfly or something similar). While I was listening, it occurred to me why that was such a wonderful idea.

It takes a lot of time to put together the pictures for a book like that. It is that very act of taking the time – time to sort through years of memories – that was a significant part of the healing process for her. Looking at each picture, sometimes long-forgotten, triggers memories of past happiness and time shared. We’re inspired to remind family members and friends and retell old stories again. And we know that shared grief is a lot easier to bear. Lots of tears for her as she did this exercise, I’m sure, but tears are not to be feared. Tears represent healing waters, as our counselor Lisa wrote.

I wish healing for you, too. Healing doesn’t mean that you’ve forgotten, it means that you’re replacing hurt and sorrow with peace and grace. You, too, may have a photo box or computer folder full of memories and stories waiting to be retold. Happy picture hunting!

Posted in Memorializing a pet | 1 Comment

Healing Through Remembering

Posted on August 28, 2015 by Kristi Lehman, MSW, LISW

 Memorial tributes

If you have ever lost a human family member, you know that funeral services, public announcements, obituaries, visitations or wakes, and many sympathy cards usually follow the death. Often, there is a period of mourning that is acknowledged, respected and supported by those around us, and if we feel that we need extra support, there are places to turn.

Unfortunately, these social norms and rituals often do not exist after we lose a pet. Pet loss is a type of disenfranchised grief, which means that our sadness and distress is typically not acknowledged by society to the same extent as other losses. Sometimes we feel abnormal or ashamed for feeling so heartbroken after losing our pet, and we often feel that we can’t talk about it to most people. These feelings are completely normal and very common, and they speak to the disenfranchised nature of pet loss – not to an inability to cope or an overreaction to a loss. Unfortunately, because pet loss is so disenfranchised, we often don’t fully grieve the loss of our beloved pet. A lack of support and acknowledgment can prevent us from talking about our grief, memorializing our pet and processing the loss.
Because there are so few social expectations for memorializing animal friends, it’s helpful to find your own way to honor your pet. Talking about your loss, creating memorial objects, holding a ceremony or creating a ritual can be helpful parts of the grieving process. Acknowledging the loss in these ways may spur feelings of hope or restoration, or help you begin to find a “new normal.”

In addition, finding a safe space to openly acknowledge your grief can often help you process it. In order to lessen the effects of social stigma, many people find it helpful to find a community in which others share similar experiences of grieving the loss of a pet.

Posted in Grieving the loss of a pet, Memorializing a pet | 4 Comments

Knowing “When”

Posted on August 23, 2015 by Rebecca McComas, DVM

“How will we know when it’s time?”

It is one of the questions we most often hear as we talk with our clients. You may have recently received news of a difficult diagnosis for your pet, maybe cancer or kidney failure, for example. Maybe it’s not that serious but you’ve noticed that your pet’s energy level and appetite aren’t quite what they used to be. Perhaps there are more frequent “bad days” interspersed with the good. You are thinking that euthanasia may be necessary sometime in the near or not so near future and you may not feel sure how to go about making that decision. The answers are not always straightforward and are almost never easy but they can often be found when you consider your pet’s quality of life.

I recently came across a really good discussion of quality of life on a Q&A session with a veterinarian Dr. Kristi Erwin. She writes: “The decisions surrounding quality of life can be very tricky. As a pet parent, you should trust yourself that you know your pet better than anybody else on this planet. However, sometimes it is hard to maintain objectivity when we are in the midst of dealing with a failing pet. I would encourage your family to make daily or weekly (whichever seems appropriate) assessments of how your pet is doing. I would pick five things that your pet likes to do and that you feel give a good quality of life. When you are making your assessments, keep these things in mind as well as some basic things such as: Is she eating and drinking well? Can she go outside to potty or is she soiling in the house? Does she show interest in the family and what is going on or does she separate and isolate herself from you? Based on looking at these things, you can then give a score (e.g. 1-10 with one being poor quality of life and 10 being fantastic or by using a smiley face/straight face/sad face). Keep track of the scores. If they begin to slip down below 6 or so or if your pet is mostly having straight faces and sad faces, it might be time to think about making a decision.”

If you are an analytical sort of person and find the idea of an objective measurement appealing, you may find this QOL assessment useful.

Posted in End-of-life decisions | Tagged , | 2 Comments

Cremation Transportation Services

Posted on July 31, 2015 by Lindsay Niemi

 

When a beloved pet passes away at home, it can be comforting to know your options. Choosing MN Pets for the care of your dear pet’s body means a respectful, compassionate experience every step of the way.

One of our drivers, a MN Pets trained Aftercare Specialist, will arrive at your home at the scheduled time. They will then make a paw print impression in clay or take a fur clipping if you wish. When you’re ready, our Aftercare Specialist will carefully carry your pet, wrapped in a soft blanket, by using either a sturdy bin or a large dog gurney, or stretcher. If you prefer, you may also choose to carry your pet out to our driver’s vehicle yourself.

Once your pet is safely secured in the vehicle, our Aftercare Specialist will transport your pet and carefully and gently prepare them for the cremation option of your choice.

Our cremation transportation service can be scheduled for dogs and cats, as well as birds, reptiles, and rabbits.

As with any of our services, please feel free to call with any questions or to schedule an appointment. You may also request an appointment by submitting the online form here.

Posted in About MN Pets | 1 Comment

9 Ways to Memorialize a Pet

Posted on June 18, 2015 by Kristi Lehman, MSW, LISW

When a beloved companion animal dies, the void they leave behind can feel overwhelming. When their physical presence filled every space in your lap, bed, home and heart, the emptiness you feel after they are gone can be the most painful part of goodbye. While this physical presence is no longer part of your life, the bond and memories you created will always be there. Here are nine of our favorite ways to remember and honor that bond.

1. Build an “inspiration strenoiration” – create a shelf, a corner, a shadow box, or another space in your home to fill with things that heal you and inspire you. Photos, artwork, collars, tags, toys, quotes – anything that touches your heart and brings a smile when you see it.

2. Plant a tree – choose a special place with special people and plant a tree that you can watch grow and blossom. You could read a poem or place a stone near the tree to mark its significance and honor the beauty of life. If you have your pets ashes, you could incorporate them into the ground so that your pet is a part of this new life.

3. Memorial Walk – Take a planned, intentional walk that gives you a space to remember the life and memories of your pet. You may want to choose a walking path that you took with your pet if you shared walks together, or you could plan to travel a path that is beautiful to you.

4. Donate money – Pay it forward by donating to a special cause in memory of your dear friend. Maybe you rescued your pet and want to give back, or maybe you want to give other pets the chance to find their own loving home as well. There are many worthy rescue organizations in our community who welcome monetary donations and items they may need, such as blankets and towels.

5. Donate time – The gift of your time and heart is just as valuable to an organization in need. Shelters, independent rescues and other animal-focused non-profits rely on volunteers for driving, fostering, grant-writing, and more. Many people find that helping animals and people is a healing part of their grief process.

6. Write a tribute – The death of a pet does not get the same recognition as the death of a human family member. Many people feel unacknowledged and alone in their grief. Recreating common human goodbye rituals can help us share in our loss with those close to us. You can write a tribute to email or mail your loved ones, and you can also post your tribute on our MN Pets Facebook page to share with our community.

7. Observe National Pet Memorial Day – This holiday is the second Sunday in September. Some families like to have a small ceremony, hold a ritual or just sit back and share their favorite stories and memories.

8. Make a scrapbook – This is a tried and true way to reflect and create while you grieve. Remembering can be painful after a goodbye, but it is also when stories, images, feelings and smells are fresh in your heart. By documenting these memories, you always have them to remember. This is a wonderful activity to do as a family or with your significant other. Many people grieve differently, but focusing on a common project connects people.

9. Get creative – This is an intentionally vague suggestion because the possibilities are endless! Some people like to paint, some write poetry, some make a stepping stone or jewelry. Everyone has a different healing process, but research does show that non-verbal expression can play a big role. Getting your children involved in a creative memorial project is a wonderful way to reflect on a pet’s memory, especially for young children who may not have the vocabulary to capture their strong emotions.

No matter how you choose to celebrate the relationship you shared with your pet, just the act of reflecting and making a space for your feelings can help you during your grief process. As time goes on, remembering will feel less painful and more joyous and it will always serve to connect you to your beloved friend.

Posted in Memorializing a pet | 5 Comments