MN Pets

Chuck was a kitten that I had brought home to foster while working at a local humane society. He was a small, wobbling grey and white cotton ball with legs. His clumsiness was as endearing as his giant blue eyes, and I fell instantly in love. Chuck was estimated to be about 7 weeks old, but was considerably delayed in his development and was still relying solely on bottle feedings when I started caring for him. Despite his obvious setbacks, I was determined to help Chuck gain the strength that he would need to grow and thrive.

On Mother’s Day, May 11th, 2014, I went downstairs to feed Chuck at around 3am and found him unresponsive. The little kitten that I had fallen so in love with had died. I felt overwhelmed with grief, and at the same time embarrassed that I felt such a loss for a creature that I had just met a week before. I felt guilty that I had not gone downstairs an hour earlier, and replayed the previous days in my head and wondered what I could have done differently.

It’s been a year since Chuck died, and I think of him every day. We find that people all grieve differently, and it can be helpful to memorialize a lost pet in the way that makes the most sense for you. This can be pictures, mementos, or a ceremony for your lost pet. The best way for me to remember and honor Chuck’s short life was to build a small garden for him in my yard. “Chuck’s Garden” is a place for me to reflect, to visit, and to remember. I chose a beautiful hydrangea bush to plant over Chuck’s grave, and it’s by far the brightest bloom in the garden.

Most of us are aware of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’ “five stages of grief”: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Very often I hear clients say things like “it’s been over a month and I still can’t believe she is gone”, or “she died over a year ago – why don’t I feel acceptance yet?” This idea that we flow through a linear path, starting with loss and ending by embracing that loss, is so ingrained into our language and culture that it has helped shaped how we as a society grieve (or at least how we think we should grieve). In this magical five stage world where grief follows a neat, predictable path, a griever follows the rules, stays on the path, and they end up healed and happy. We know that pets are part of the family, so it would follow that we would progress through these stages in the same way after pet loss.

So, what’s wrong with this picture? Well… a lot, I think! Let’s break it down:

First, the five stages model was actually NOT developed for people grieving the loss of human or animal family member. Contrary to popular belief, the model was first inspired by Kübler-Ross’ work with terminally ill patients and their experiences of dying. When considered from that vantage point, some of the stages make much more sense. However; the model has become widely accepted by the general public and stretched to apply to the grief experience that results from the loss of a loved one.

Second, everyone is different, every grief experience is different, and every loss is different – in every way imaginable. Thinking of the grief process using this model undoubtedly excludes people who don’t fit into it (which, I would argue, is a lot of people). For many of us, losing a pet is already a painfully isolating experience because it isn’t always recognized as a “real” loss. Research has shown that the way humans grieve the loss of their companion animal is very similar to the ways that we grieve our human family members; however those ways don’t typically fit into the 5 stages box. Just because you don’t feel denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance – in that exact order – after saying goodbye to your pet doesn’t mean there is something wrong with how you are grieving. You are grieving in exactly the way you need to be.

If this 5 stage idea is so outdated, misunderstood and exclusive, why do we still cling to it? Perhaps it gives us a framework and this feels good to us. It gives us an explanation – any explanation – for what we’re feeling and why we’re feeling it. It gives us hope. It gives us language to communicate with others. It is human nature to try to make sense of things, and it can be uncomfortable to admit that there are things we can’t possibly understand, things that are too complex, unpredictable, and even unfair. The death of an animal companion whom we’ve shared our days, our beds, our tears, our hugs and our milestones with brings painful and often unbearable emotions and it would be really nice if we could map those feelings out and know exactly what to expect…wouldn’t it?

What are we left with then, if there are no clear rules?

There are plenty other academic models for grief that make more sense, but maybe that’s for another day. In reality, what we are left with is a messy, unpredictable, painful, awkward and incomprehensible process that we have no choice but to push through. The hope is that we somehow get to where we are supposed to be a changed person, maybe even a better person. The important thing to remember is that there are no rules and we need to expect the unexpected. Your needs and your timeline are yours alone – you get to make the rules. If you ever feel uncomfortable with how your grief is progressing, it is important to seek professional support. While you are the only person that can process and define your grief, you don’t have to do it alone.

At our monthly grief support group, I have the privilege to listen to people’s stories and hear what they are experiencing during their grief process. Last month, I noticed a common thread between the stories – the presence of a deep sense of guilt, no matter the circumstance in which their pet died. I found it compelling that so many different grief journeys included such a strong theme of guilt.

Why is it so painfully common to feel such tremendous guilt after a pet dies? Is there anything that can be done to move on from the feelings of regret and the intrusive “What Ifs”?

When a pet dies, it is completely natural and very common to experience feelings of guilt and regret. I often hear people say things like “What if I had thought to ask about it?” or “If only I had taken him to the vet sooner”.  While asking ourselves these questions is normal, many of these recurring thoughts or feelings are not based in reality and can become intrusive, quickly taking over and preventing you from healing. Many people blame themselves for their pet’s suffering or death because of things they did or didn’t do. However, in many instances, recurring feelings of guilt and thoughts of “What If” are our ways of trying to find an answer for something that has no answer:  “Why did my pet have to die?” When something devastating happens, it is easier to blame ourselves or someone else than to accept the scary reality that life is uncertain, and sometimes bad things happen for no reason and we aren’t able to control them. The truth is, even if you had never done a single thing wrong during your pet’s entire life, you would most likely still have moments of guilt and regret – it’s a part of human nature and it’s a part of losing a loved one.

Once we begin to understand that guilt is a normal part of grief, it’s important to break down that guilt into what is “usable” and what is better to let go. Sometimes there is value in asking ourselves what we could have done differently; doing so can help us grow and also plan for other pets in the future. For most of us however, the nagging thoughts of guilt are built upon things that are better let go. In the book When Bad Things Happen to Good People, Rabbi Harold Kushner writes, “An appropriate sense of guilt makes people try to be better. But an excessive sense of guilt, a tendency to blame ourselves for things which are clearly not our fault, robs us of our self-esteem and perhaps of our capacity to grow and act.”

For the things you wish you had done differently: acknowledge them, write them down, share them with others who can also learn from them, and then, most importantly, forgive yourself. Trust that you did everything you could have done with what you knew and had at the time. I try to remind people that when they were caught in the urgency of the situation, they made a decision based on something in their heart or gut in that moment. Show yourself compassion and trust in whatever it was that was leading you at the time. Of course hindsight brings new information and new perspectives, but ultimately, you need to forgive yourself for your regrets in order to heal.

In many cases, feelings of guilt become intrusive and begin to take over our thoughts and grief process. When you feel such thoughts taking over, try to stop them in their tracks. At the first thought of “I should have”, or “What if”, stop yourself. Some people find it helpful to repeat to themselves “I did everything that I could and I know that” or “I have no control over what happened” or “She knew how much I loved her” – anything that is meaningful for you and helps you to break the guilt thought cycle. It’s a lot like breaking a bad habit. After a while it will be easier to stop this unhelpful thought pattern and redirect yourself. It may sound simple or superficial, but it takes consistent work to break a habit and re-wire how you think.

At the end of the day, the most important gift you can give yourself while you are grieving is forgiveness. Be honest about your guilt – write it down, talk about it with someone you trust – and accept that guilt is another part of grief that needs to be faced and worked through. During your pet’s life, you loved them unconditionally and forgave them each time you saw a puddle on the floor or a garbage can knocked over. Right now, while your heart is aching, show yourself the same love and forgiveness that you always knew how to show them.

In many helping professions, we are taught to remember “the oxygen mask.” This common phrase refers to the rule of thumb of which flight attendants remind us — you must first apply your mask and attend to your well-being before you are effectively able to attend to others. Caring for ourselves as we care for others is one of the most essential things we can do.

As our pets navigate the aging process, they often lose their ability to do things that they had previously done, such as making it to the litter box or cleaning themselves. Our deep love picks up where our pets capabilities leave off and we begin to provide more and more intensive daily care. Somewhere between the many medication bottles, the carpet cleaning or the hand-feeding, we easily forget to properly care for ourselves – both physically and emotionally.

Research shows that caregiving – whether for a human or animal family member – can deeply impact our health and wellbeing. The exhaustion or stress involved in intense caregiving is often referred to as compassion fatigue, which can be characterized by feelings of negativity, over- or under-involvement in care, and difficulty coping with everyday expectations. It’s important to understand that feeling exhausted, depressed and even frustrated with your animal’s care is a normal and healthy response to the changes happening, but it is also important to take breaks to reflect on how you are coping and what you need.

You may be thinking “but, I can’t take a break from caring for my pet.”  You’re right in that caretaking is often a 24/7 undertaking and of course we aim to do whatever is possible to companion our animal through these changes. However, in order to provide our pet with the compassion and care that they need, it is essential to keep our own needs in focus as well. To start, try to enlist help from a supportive friend, family member or professional to share some of the responsibilities when possible. Take the time to tend to your health – eating healthy meals, getting some exercise, enjoying the sunshine on a beautiful day. Make a list and prioritize – focus on the here and now and save more trivial to-do’s for later.

When we take this time to care for ourselves, it allows us to cope with the changes of our pet’s old age and gives us the space to cherish the moments we have with them.

From www.michelerutley.com

In addition to giving yourself permission to grieve, it’s just as essential to give yourself permission to heal.

That may sound obvious – isn’t healing the point? Healing and changing is part of the grieving process, but the moments in which the pain subsides or the days that pass without heartache can often bring feelings of guilt, as though you are forgetting about your pet. Sometimes it even feels as though the grief we feel is our last connection to our pet and as it lessens, we are moving forward in our lives without them. Keep in mind that grieving is arduous work and taking breaks to honor the pain, progress and healing that is taking place is part of the journey.

When it comes to grieving, each person is incredibly different and unique. What works for one person may not work for the next person. Try to tune in to how your body, heart and mind are impacted and to give yourself permission to feel what you are feeling, no more or no less, no more quickly or slowly.

Even through your heartache and tears, give yourself permission to be right where you are today.